I am going to go see my dr. today… I had enough of this bull shit! I am in extreme pain in my bones… in my legs, knees, pelvis and tail bone… My muscles can barely hold me up while standing and walking… my right legs likes to jerk more then the left one while I am walking and or standing… I find myself holding on to things while walking… and if I can’t hold on to things… I find my self being prepared to fall and catching the walls once and a while… one of these days I will not be able to have a wall or anything else around me to ketch my fall… I think I need a cane… I am going to talk to my Dr. about pain medication… and a cane…
If he says yes to the cane I am going to my grand father… he has shit loads of canes I can barrow… there is one actually I have always loved since I was a kid… I wonder if he will let me barrow it… it’s going to be weird using a cane… If I do get to use the cane from grandpa then I will take a picture of it and show you why I like it so much… Come to think of it… I am going to start doing some video blogs soon instead of typing… since all this typing makes my arms cramp up and I have to take breaks here and there…
I am also going to talk to him about my purple toenails and fingernails…
I am tired of his theory of “let’s wait and see”… he has done this all through my life… MOTHER FUCKER! This is not going to go away on its own! This is a serious issue you need to fucking do something… yes I guess I am angry… I am just tired of his lack of actions on some patients…
There are times now where I feel major pain at the base of my ribs… feels like my ribs are going to burst or collapse… it scares the shit out of me… because I feel it even while I am driving… I don’t want to die while I am driving… If it was a “perfect world” I would rather die in my own bed with my loved ones gathering and sharing storied with me…smiling until I die… I know… it’s grim… but this condition is making me really think of these types of situations…
I am also going to badger my Dr. about my blood count… and x-rays…
My throat had swollen yesterday and the day before that… but it’s gone down a little this morning. I checked to see if it was tonsillitis… its not…
Of course the roads have to be shitty out today! GRRR… I am still going… I guess this stubbornness is useful after all… lol …
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thinking Out load:
I am getting so frustrated! I want to taste many foods… I am not hungry… when I eat … I can only have 4-6 bites of food before I get severely full… you know when you eat too much and it sits in your throat… yeah that’s what it’s like… I hate it! I am grieving over my food right now… pathetic! That’s what I say…
I weigh 165 lbs today… I thought how I was so fat and when I wanted to lose the lbs, it was sooooo god damn difficult…. Now that I am sick, it’s melting off of me… what the FUCK!? Go figure I guess.
I was being bull headed last night… I needed to shave my legs, and I shave standing up in the shower… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do that, since my legs want to give out all the god damn time… but I did it any ways… in the process of doing so I have managed to hurt my left knee… I had gotten a huge Charlie horse in my right leg… but I did it! I know now next time I am going to have to do it while I am in the bath tub sitting down… I just hate it that way!
I am feeling chills all over my body off and on… even when I am wrapped up like a cocoon… yesterday when I was laying down in my cocoon, I felt my left temple twitch, it felt cold for some reason… the sensation I am talking about… it was there for about a min. or so… not too long. I wasn’t scared I was more like intrigued on the sensation… wired, I know…
I want to finish school… the possibility of me finishing school and then having a job… is 100%. The possibility that I will not be able to do it is frustrating me, angering me, making me scared…
I am going to talk to my Dr. about DNR… I know that my family would totally disagree with this… but it’s my choice… and this is what I want… If I collapse because of this, I don’t want to come back… if my soul says otherwise then it will come back… if not… ok…
I am already thinking of my will… and videos and journals/letters to my loved ones…
I know many people in my life says I am a fighter… that I am a person that will never stop fighting… but when you look into yourself and find no more juice of fighting “power”, you accept it and look at what you need to do, to make it more peaceful. You find a way to kiss your love ones goodbye and appreciate them even more… because even though you have no more fight in you… they are still fighting for you…
I need to find a day to go to my moms so I can go into my trunk and read all my diary’s… I am going to be giving them to Stephen… I want to know what’s in them first… although I think even though I don’t appreciate on what I have done in some parts of my life I still wants him to know who his mother was… if you take out the crappy parts… then that’s lying to him… and I will not do that! I remember when I wrote in my diaries I wouldn’t finish the last pages in them… because to me that symbolized my life wasn’t finished… When I write in my last diary I will still not write in the last pages… because my life isn’t finished, not when Stephen is here to carry part of me with him… I will never be finished…
I weigh 165 lbs today… I thought how I was so fat and when I wanted to lose the lbs, it was sooooo god damn difficult…. Now that I am sick, it’s melting off of me… what the FUCK!? Go figure I guess.
I was being bull headed last night… I needed to shave my legs, and I shave standing up in the shower… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do that, since my legs want to give out all the god damn time… but I did it any ways… in the process of doing so I have managed to hurt my left knee… I had gotten a huge Charlie horse in my right leg… but I did it! I know now next time I am going to have to do it while I am in the bath tub sitting down… I just hate it that way!
I am feeling chills all over my body off and on… even when I am wrapped up like a cocoon… yesterday when I was laying down in my cocoon, I felt my left temple twitch, it felt cold for some reason… the sensation I am talking about… it was there for about a min. or so… not too long. I wasn’t scared I was more like intrigued on the sensation… wired, I know…
I want to finish school… the possibility of me finishing school and then having a job… is 100%. The possibility that I will not be able to do it is frustrating me, angering me, making me scared…
I am going to talk to my Dr. about DNR… I know that my family would totally disagree with this… but it’s my choice… and this is what I want… If I collapse because of this, I don’t want to come back… if my soul says otherwise then it will come back… if not… ok…
I am already thinking of my will… and videos and journals/letters to my loved ones…
I know many people in my life says I am a fighter… that I am a person that will never stop fighting… but when you look into yourself and find no more juice of fighting “power”, you accept it and look at what you need to do, to make it more peaceful. You find a way to kiss your love ones goodbye and appreciate them even more… because even though you have no more fight in you… they are still fighting for you…
I need to find a day to go to my moms so I can go into my trunk and read all my diary’s… I am going to be giving them to Stephen… I want to know what’s in them first… although I think even though I don’t appreciate on what I have done in some parts of my life I still wants him to know who his mother was… if you take out the crappy parts… then that’s lying to him… and I will not do that! I remember when I wrote in my diaries I wouldn’t finish the last pages in them… because to me that symbolized my life wasn’t finished… When I write in my last diary I will still not write in the last pages… because my life isn’t finished, not when Stephen is here to carry part of me with him… I will never be finished…
Monday, January 26, 2009
Here is an update on my signs and symptoms…. I have some new ones…
1.Cough has gotten worse/ shortness of breath… bouts of trying to ketch my breath.
2.The rattle/wheezing has gotten worse
3.There is a constant pressure around the chest, like elastic that has tightened.
4.There is many times through out the day sharp pains in back and front of chest that also travels to my neck at times and along my back of the shoulders. On occasion at the lower back. There is also a persistent dull pain in my back.
5.I am weak most of the day, my arms don’t feel all up to par moving, along with my legs, they want to buckle a lot lately. I am shaky. Along with some confusion at times.
6.Lost a lot of my appetite, don’t feel very hungry.
7.Lost some muscle mass in bottom left lip… soft and pliable, can feel the difference with tong, and or biting it.
8.Muscles cramps up for no reasons. Also my muscles twitch a lot… legs, and buttocks.
9.Tired still when 2 – 3 pm comes along… (exhausted)
10.Puffy hands and face even when I am cold.- comes and goes.
11.My joints such as elbows and knees are hurting off and on for no reasons. My hip and tail bone is in extreme pain. Feel’s like an extreme case of growing pains in my legs and arms.
12.I am forgetting simple words… example: I wanted to word boot, but I said pants, shirt, scarf… I said to Donavan, “what the hell is that word for going on your foot?” “Boot?”
13.Saturday (Jan 17) I weighed 181 LBS--- Wednesday (Jan 21) I way 171 LBS.
14.In my lower legs and arms I feel like I have growing pains, off and on.
15.Heart pumps sometimes fast… while resting as well.
16.Little black outs… need to hold on to something before I fall.
17.A lot of headaches.
18.Mucus- white, cloudy ball like, has dark spots in them.
19.Smoking still- but less (half a pack)… getting better at quitting… obviously not good enough.
20.puffer doesn’t help any… also makes me sick… stopped taking it.
21.While walking, legs jerky. Need to focus more on walking right. Started Jan. 23 2009
2.The rattle/wheezing has gotten worse
3.There is a constant pressure around the chest, like elastic that has tightened.
4.There is many times through out the day sharp pains in back and front of chest that also travels to my neck at times and along my back of the shoulders. On occasion at the lower back. There is also a persistent dull pain in my back.
5.I am weak most of the day, my arms don’t feel all up to par moving, along with my legs, they want to buckle a lot lately. I am shaky. Along with some confusion at times.
6.Lost a lot of my appetite, don’t feel very hungry.
7.Lost some muscle mass in bottom left lip… soft and pliable, can feel the difference with tong, and or biting it.
8.Muscles cramps up for no reasons. Also my muscles twitch a lot… legs, and buttocks.
9.Tired still when 2 – 3 pm comes along… (exhausted)
10.Puffy hands and face even when I am cold.- comes and goes.
11.My joints such as elbows and knees are hurting off and on for no reasons. My hip and tail bone is in extreme pain. Feel’s like an extreme case of growing pains in my legs and arms.
12.I am forgetting simple words… example: I wanted to word boot, but I said pants, shirt, scarf… I said to Donavan, “what the hell is that word for going on your foot?” “Boot?”
13.Saturday (Jan 17) I weighed 181 LBS--- Wednesday (Jan 21) I way 171 LBS.
14.In my lower legs and arms I feel like I have growing pains, off and on.
15.Heart pumps sometimes fast… while resting as well.
16.Little black outs… need to hold on to something before I fall.
17.A lot of headaches.
18.Mucus- white, cloudy ball like, has dark spots in them.
19.Smoking still- but less (half a pack)… getting better at quitting… obviously not good enough.
20.puffer doesn’t help any… also makes me sick… stopped taking it.
21.While walking, legs jerky. Need to focus more on walking right. Started Jan. 23 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Some New Signs and Symptoms:
I have been having pain in my bones off and on… however now it is constant.
The pain started only in my hip… I thought I had pinched something… it was there for 2 days… then it went away… then it started back up in my arms and legs along with my knees and my elbows… these would come and go as well… well now the pain is more intense and is in my pelvis and the tail bone, along with my elbows, knees, legs and arms… It’s a BITCH to say the least! This by the way is a HUGE sign that the cancer is in the bones… it has spread… this is common for small cell lung cancer.
I thought the pain in my back and chest was bad… I rather have that any day than have to deal with this numbing aching pain in my bones any day of the month!
I was in the shower yesterday… I love my showers steaming hot… I was warm and I noticed my fingernails were purple… I called in Donavan, asked if I was seeing wrong… He told me they were purple… I told him that’s not right! They are only purple on me when I am chilled to the bone… obviously I wasn’t… Today they are still purple… I looked it up on the internet and it stated its common in lung cancer victims… lack of oxygen in the blood… once the cancer reaches the bones, the haemoglobin (which is the oxygen in the blood) isn’t produced enough and or the cancer is taking the place of the haemoglobin. This is also called Anaemia…
I slept most of the day yesterday… I was just exhausted… I hated it! Today I am still exhausted… the ache in the bones refuse to leave… the headaches refuse to leave as well… I guess I am just going to have to grow to accustom to this pain…
Donavan is constantly looking for any other reasons behind my condition… he’s getting frustrated because he can’t find it… not unless he actually looks up lung cancer… in which he is trying to avoid… I don’t know what to do for him… I want to calm him down… I have always told him when ever something has come up in our lives that it will be ok… I have always been right… that’s because I have listened to my inner self… now when he asks… I can’t tell him it’s going to be ok… because my inner self tells me other wise… I keep thinking maybe I will tell him it will be ok… that life will go on… with out me… that it self is not a lie… but that is what I am good at… playing semantics… that’s what Donavan says… I have noticed that in fact, especially with my teacher… it’s a habit I picked up on the way of living…I actually like doing it… it gets my brain going…
The pain started only in my hip… I thought I had pinched something… it was there for 2 days… then it went away… then it started back up in my arms and legs along with my knees and my elbows… these would come and go as well… well now the pain is more intense and is in my pelvis and the tail bone, along with my elbows, knees, legs and arms… It’s a BITCH to say the least! This by the way is a HUGE sign that the cancer is in the bones… it has spread… this is common for small cell lung cancer.
I thought the pain in my back and chest was bad… I rather have that any day than have to deal with this numbing aching pain in my bones any day of the month!
I was in the shower yesterday… I love my showers steaming hot… I was warm and I noticed my fingernails were purple… I called in Donavan, asked if I was seeing wrong… He told me they were purple… I told him that’s not right! They are only purple on me when I am chilled to the bone… obviously I wasn’t… Today they are still purple… I looked it up on the internet and it stated its common in lung cancer victims… lack of oxygen in the blood… once the cancer reaches the bones, the haemoglobin (which is the oxygen in the blood) isn’t produced enough and or the cancer is taking the place of the haemoglobin. This is also called Anaemia…
I slept most of the day yesterday… I was just exhausted… I hated it! Today I am still exhausted… the ache in the bones refuse to leave… the headaches refuse to leave as well… I guess I am just going to have to grow to accustom to this pain…
Donavan is constantly looking for any other reasons behind my condition… he’s getting frustrated because he can’t find it… not unless he actually looks up lung cancer… in which he is trying to avoid… I don’t know what to do for him… I want to calm him down… I have always told him when ever something has come up in our lives that it will be ok… I have always been right… that’s because I have listened to my inner self… now when he asks… I can’t tell him it’s going to be ok… because my inner self tells me other wise… I keep thinking maybe I will tell him it will be ok… that life will go on… with out me… that it self is not a lie… but that is what I am good at… playing semantics… that’s what Donavan says… I have noticed that in fact, especially with my teacher… it’s a habit I picked up on the way of living…I actually like doing it… it gets my brain going…
Friday, January 23, 2009
School?
Here I am at school… I am done my assignment that we are to do… So I am writing to you all… I am wondering to myself… why am I here? Why am I at school, when I should be home with my family… if I don’t have very much longer to live… then why?
I asked the head person here that works with the money… asked if I can get my money back to give back to my grandmother… since I will not be here on earth with in a year… knock on wood maybe two years…She said no… I was pretty upset… She said not to lose hope and not to stop fighting… it’s just that I think I am done fighting… I have fought all my life with other things and now that something HUGE is here I have no more fight…
I asked the head person here that works with the money… asked if I can get my money back to give back to my grandmother… since I will not be here on earth with in a year… knock on wood maybe two years…She said no… I was pretty upset… She said not to lose hope and not to stop fighting… it’s just that I think I am done fighting… I have fought all my life with other things and now that something HUGE is here I have no more fight…
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Awakening?
When I woke up today my sight was different… nothing too alarming to any medical authority…
I’ve had these days before, where my sight is not normal. Where everything I see is not a dull color but bright. I have a smile, a smile that say’s I know something and yet I am not too sure on what… like my soul is playing a game with my body. The touch of my skin is slow and methodical; like I am touching my skin for the first time.
The song “Don’t Fear The Reaper” . by: HIM… plays repeatedly in my head.
The feeling of needing to be some where’s that I have never been before, but know it like it was home… is catching up to me. I want to cry, not because I am scared, because I feel how beautiful it is. My soul is singing, and dancing inside… Don’t want to lock me up inside.
I know.
I want to paint the feeling… but can’t figure the vision of to put on the canvas. I will do it… if it kills me. I want you to know what I am feeling right now. I want to share this.
I know what love is.
I know what it feels to lose
I know what it is to live
I know pain
I know what losing your mind is
I know the meaning of merciful
I know the meaning of one’s own choice
I know the meaning of Will
I know true happiness
I know fear
I know how to laugh
I know … and now I know what I wanted to know.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
A shift:
Lately I have been getting into the meaning of life.
I have found myself questioning everything that comes my way.
Every time I question it, I come to enlightenment.
Another thing that has becoming a little “spooky” is patterns and or signs.
For an example, I was hearing on the radio about a football team the Stealers. I didn’t really care for it so I changed the station. A few min. later I had totally forgot of the station and what they were talking about, until a Truck darted in front of me and made me slammed on my breaks… on the back of his window was a big sticker saying Stealers, with their logo… it was the football team. Another one was when I was studying my text book yesterday and my father in law was talking to Donavan… the only thing I heard was “Shoulder blade” … at that time I was looking at the word “shoulder blade.”
There are other little ones, but I know you get the gist of it.
Once I have figured out that everyone has their own way of living, it has become easier to accept each person faults, and view points on anything.
I have found that if something angers me or gets my blood boiling, it’s because it’s a strong “meaning” or value or moral that I have acquired; that they have stepped over.
My choices are to get angry… or take it as it is and leave it alone… or step up and say something in a polite tone, so I am not bracketed. Everyone has a choice on how to react to a situation, a moment, a quote… etc.
I have found myself questioning everything that comes my way.
Every time I question it, I come to enlightenment.
Another thing that has becoming a little “spooky” is patterns and or signs.
For an example, I was hearing on the radio about a football team the Stealers. I didn’t really care for it so I changed the station. A few min. later I had totally forgot of the station and what they were talking about, until a Truck darted in front of me and made me slammed on my breaks… on the back of his window was a big sticker saying Stealers, with their logo… it was the football team. Another one was when I was studying my text book yesterday and my father in law was talking to Donavan… the only thing I heard was “Shoulder blade” … at that time I was looking at the word “shoulder blade.”
There are other little ones, but I know you get the gist of it.
Once I have figured out that everyone has their own way of living, it has become easier to accept each person faults, and view points on anything.
I have found that if something angers me or gets my blood boiling, it’s because it’s a strong “meaning” or value or moral that I have acquired; that they have stepped over.
My choices are to get angry… or take it as it is and leave it alone… or step up and say something in a polite tone, so I am not bracketed. Everyone has a choice on how to react to a situation, a moment, a quote… etc.
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