Back to square one.

I went to the funeral home tour… I had problems with my legs… I should have brought my cane… but NOOOOO I was bull headed and didn’t… my teacher had grabbed me before I had fallen… I sat where ever I could find a chair… when I took just one glance at the coffins I left… because I started to cry… I had a smoke outside…
I thought that the prep room would have been more elaborate but it was a simple room… I wanted to see it… I was expecting it to be more “scarier”… but it wasn’t… for a min. there I was thinking of changing my profession… until I heard how much I had to know and how hard the course was… the guy said they put two years of knowledge into one year because it helps weed out the people that would be able to actually do the job under stress… also little fact be known… suicidal rate is the highest in funeral directors then even police and fire department… nope! Not for me!

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night… she said maybe I have a strain of MS… that actually scared me more then cancer… go figure… I think because of Donavan’s mom had MS… and I don’t want to be a reminder for him… I don’t want Stephen to go through what Donavan had gone through in his childhood… Donavan’s mom died of MS… Donavan said that people usually don’t die from it… he said that she lost her will to live…that she willed death… I know that can happen… many people do it usually when they have an illness and or when they are old and their loved ones such as other half had passed away… there are many cases of this happening…

I looked up MS and there are TONS of signs and symptoms of MS… the only true way to find out if you have MS is getting a spinal tap and an MRI… blood work doesn’t matter for this illness… a lot of my signs and symptoms coincides with MS… but I haven’t found anything linking to bone pain with MS… another hunt for my condition… square one all over again… it’s not the knowing what you have… it’s the waiting… that is nerve wrecking…

My mom is taking me to my pulmonary test… it’s a test for your breathing… I have done this test 3 times already… this will be my forth in the past 3 years… how many of these fucking tests do I need to do? This test is the most annoying test I have ever come across… what’s the real point of this test? We all know I have a hard time breathing… what you don’t believe me? It’s like almost a lie detector for breathing problems… so stupid if you ask me… but hey what do I know? … It’s not like it’s my chest that’s having problems… (That’s being sarcastic by the way…lol..)

I am just so frustrated and I am feeling like I am lashing out at everyone… I don’t mean too… I know you guys are trying to help me as much as possible… I am sorry if I do.

You know what is pissing me off? Is that my dr. hasn’t called me to tell me when my Dr. Appointment is with this other Dr… yeah nice “aggressive testing” Dr. Johnston! All he did was did blood work and another chest x-ray… and a pulmonary test… which I have done all three a million times… for this situation… I guess aggressive means ship me off to another Dr… then not give me a date to go see him… my mom and I are going to my Dr. and demanding a time and date to see this Dr… or I will be going to the emerge and finding out what is wrong with me there…

My teacher Brenda talked to Camellia from the hospice in Brantford… who I guess is the head person there… said that if I don’t get to see this new Dr. Bard with in a week then I should be going to the emerge for at least pain medication… and they would do tests to find out what I have and or what is going on with my body… because the big issue is the whole no appetite and my legs… not to mention my breathing problem…

My teacher as well told me to take my stubbornness and turn it into pushiness with the dr.’s she said it is unacceptable for the Dr.’s to make me wait for this long and no pain medication…