I have found a way to make money at home… I didn’t think it would work… but once I had put it all into focus… and made a few changes to make it run smoothly… It purrs like a kitten and I am able to make $1610.00 and more a month… yes I know it doesn’t sound like a lot… I am not going to get rich off of this… however… I am able to help pay the bills and be able to live life…
Isn’t that what it’s all about anyways? To be able to live life… to not worry about the bills…
I am going to be making a website where you can learn the same steps I have taken to make money at home… I will also be putting video tutorials up and be showing you step by step on how I did it… so you cant get confused… you will see what I did… instead of just reading it and getting all confused… I know I would have gotten confused if I just read the steps… hence the reason why I will have the videos as well… I wish I could give you the website right now… but it is still in a working motion… it will be up in about 2 weeks…
I will post it on here to tell you the site…
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
To Ryan!
This entry is for my little brother! It’s his birthday… Happy birthday Bro!
Today is my little brothers birthday… well he isn’t little any more… he is now 24… I think… or is it 23?... any ways… the point is that he isn’t little any more… he is also going to be a daddy soon as well… which will be interesting to say the least… since he is a kid himself at most times… (well so am I) … he lives in Alberta, Ontario… and I am so proud of him for making that move… I think it was the best thing he has ever done… that move to be there has made him grow up…some… that move also gave him a huge chance to pay off his debt… and to find a great girl… and to be able to be a daddy… I hope being a daddy makes him realized what I and my sister has always said … “don’t do that! that is dangerous!... one day you will see the danger when you have your own kids!” this is usually me or Cori telling him this while he is playing on the stairs with one of our kids… he never really seen the dangers of it… I hope he does with his… or his kid will have a lot of bruises… and Ryan… you can’t put them back where they come from if you get angry with it… you get what you get… lol…
Ok on to some funny things…
I remember when we were little, my mom had told Ryan to go and take a bath… he was too dirty to be at the supper table for supper… so when supper was ready, my mom called out to him… he was still in the tub… he ran out butt naked and sat at the table waiting for his supper… I guess he was really hungry at that time… my mom busted out laughing… and couldn’t resist taking the picture… like all mothers do…
There were times where my brother would get me in trouble along with him self when we were kids… we use to hit our legs and say ow! Really load with each others name attached to the “hit” so we were getting each other in shit…
I believe my brother is like a cat… he has 9 lives… he has been threw a lot … where she should have died…
1- when I was pissed at boys when I was a kid… I guess I latched on to Ryan’s throat and almost killed him… his face was purple and blue… he was lucky that the baby sitter caught me in time… or that would have been the end of Ryan at the age of 3 or 2…
2- Ryan was playing with dog that attached to our backyard with the other house… there was no fence… the dog named “Bear” was eating and Ryan thought it would be great to pull on the dogs tail while it was eating… the dog turned on Ryan and was going right for Ryan’s throat… Ryan turned with in sec. and the dog bit Ryan in the eye and half of his head… I think he was 4 at this time… he of course survived that attach as well… he is lucky he can even see… the only proof that he has of that attach is a little brown spot in the corner of his eye… where the dogs saliva had gotten in… I guess the Dr.’s said Dogs saliva at times stains human’s skin if it gets under a wound…
3- Ryan was playing with some of the kids down the road… well these kids were not nice to say the least… they were really morbid… when Ryan’s back was turned this kid threw a dart at Ryan’s back… hit him in the back… he is lucky it didn’t puncture any real thing and or even in his head for that matter!
4- These same kids I was talking about tried to kidnap Ryan… my mom wanted to know where Ryan was… we didn’t really know… so we went to ask the other kids… they said they didn’t know who Ryan was and has never seen him… we knew that was so INCORECT! My sister had heard something… we were outside yelling at the kids to their window… I don’t know how Cori even herd anything… we are just glad that she did… because the kids had him tied up in their closet… What were they going to do? I mean these kids were really… really morbid kids… they still have that feeling every time I see one on the street… I think Ryan was 5 or 6 by this time…
5- Ryan thought it was a great idea one day at school to go skipping… well you see the school he was in was Valley Hights… it’s in the middle of no where! You need a car to even thinking of skipping from this school… and travel at least a half hour to get anywhere’s… him and a bunch of other people skipped and took a van… I guess the girl that was driving didn’t know about a certain hill that was like a straight drop… it even says before you approach the hill… “Enter at own risk” if that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is! She was going WAY too fast and they went air born for a little while… they had hit a hydro pole… Ryan ended up being ok… however one of the girls in the car had a broken ankle… the car was a right off… I guess what Ryan said was as soon as he got out of the car he kissed the ground…
6- Ryan was playing with his new 4 wheeler… I guess he was going on a ramp and had hit the gas too late or too early… either or… he had landed on his back and he had broken his back… he was rushed to the hospital and was on huge amount of morphine… he is lucky he didn’t get to be in a wheel chair all of his life… getting someone to feed him with a fucking tube! Let alone dead! He had lost a lot of fat and even his “baby fat” from that… he couldn’t eat for a while and the only real thing he took in was a huge glass of Coke and then the rest of the day water… he didn’t shave for a while either … he looked like a brother to Jesus… he even had a cane for a while there… he stole a pair of hospital pants… which he still where’s here and there…
Well Ryan… you have 3 more lives still… what I am saying is “don’t shop all in one store!”
I love you and don’t drink too much where you get alcohol poisoning or I am going to have to dock you 1 life…
Have a good Birthday Bro! kisses and hugs… Love your Sister Sarah…
Today is my little brothers birthday… well he isn’t little any more… he is now 24… I think… or is it 23?... any ways… the point is that he isn’t little any more… he is also going to be a daddy soon as well… which will be interesting to say the least… since he is a kid himself at most times… (well so am I) … he lives in Alberta, Ontario… and I am so proud of him for making that move… I think it was the best thing he has ever done… that move to be there has made him grow up…some… that move also gave him a huge chance to pay off his debt… and to find a great girl… and to be able to be a daddy… I hope being a daddy makes him realized what I and my sister has always said … “don’t do that! that is dangerous!... one day you will see the danger when you have your own kids!” this is usually me or Cori telling him this while he is playing on the stairs with one of our kids… he never really seen the dangers of it… I hope he does with his… or his kid will have a lot of bruises… and Ryan… you can’t put them back where they come from if you get angry with it… you get what you get… lol…
Ok on to some funny things…
I remember when we were little, my mom had told Ryan to go and take a bath… he was too dirty to be at the supper table for supper… so when supper was ready, my mom called out to him… he was still in the tub… he ran out butt naked and sat at the table waiting for his supper… I guess he was really hungry at that time… my mom busted out laughing… and couldn’t resist taking the picture… like all mothers do…
There were times where my brother would get me in trouble along with him self when we were kids… we use to hit our legs and say ow! Really load with each others name attached to the “hit” so we were getting each other in shit…
I believe my brother is like a cat… he has 9 lives… he has been threw a lot … where she should have died…
1- when I was pissed at boys when I was a kid… I guess I latched on to Ryan’s throat and almost killed him… his face was purple and blue… he was lucky that the baby sitter caught me in time… or that would have been the end of Ryan at the age of 3 or 2…
2- Ryan was playing with dog that attached to our backyard with the other house… there was no fence… the dog named “Bear” was eating and Ryan thought it would be great to pull on the dogs tail while it was eating… the dog turned on Ryan and was going right for Ryan’s throat… Ryan turned with in sec. and the dog bit Ryan in the eye and half of his head… I think he was 4 at this time… he of course survived that attach as well… he is lucky he can even see… the only proof that he has of that attach is a little brown spot in the corner of his eye… where the dogs saliva had gotten in… I guess the Dr.’s said Dogs saliva at times stains human’s skin if it gets under a wound…
3- Ryan was playing with some of the kids down the road… well these kids were not nice to say the least… they were really morbid… when Ryan’s back was turned this kid threw a dart at Ryan’s back… hit him in the back… he is lucky it didn’t puncture any real thing and or even in his head for that matter!
4- These same kids I was talking about tried to kidnap Ryan… my mom wanted to know where Ryan was… we didn’t really know… so we went to ask the other kids… they said they didn’t know who Ryan was and has never seen him… we knew that was so INCORECT! My sister had heard something… we were outside yelling at the kids to their window… I don’t know how Cori even herd anything… we are just glad that she did… because the kids had him tied up in their closet… What were they going to do? I mean these kids were really… really morbid kids… they still have that feeling every time I see one on the street… I think Ryan was 5 or 6 by this time…
5- Ryan thought it was a great idea one day at school to go skipping… well you see the school he was in was Valley Hights… it’s in the middle of no where! You need a car to even thinking of skipping from this school… and travel at least a half hour to get anywhere’s… him and a bunch of other people skipped and took a van… I guess the girl that was driving didn’t know about a certain hill that was like a straight drop… it even says before you approach the hill… “Enter at own risk” if that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is! She was going WAY too fast and they went air born for a little while… they had hit a hydro pole… Ryan ended up being ok… however one of the girls in the car had a broken ankle… the car was a right off… I guess what Ryan said was as soon as he got out of the car he kissed the ground…
6- Ryan was playing with his new 4 wheeler… I guess he was going on a ramp and had hit the gas too late or too early… either or… he had landed on his back and he had broken his back… he was rushed to the hospital and was on huge amount of morphine… he is lucky he didn’t get to be in a wheel chair all of his life… getting someone to feed him with a fucking tube! Let alone dead! He had lost a lot of fat and even his “baby fat” from that… he couldn’t eat for a while and the only real thing he took in was a huge glass of Coke and then the rest of the day water… he didn’t shave for a while either … he looked like a brother to Jesus… he even had a cane for a while there… he stole a pair of hospital pants… which he still where’s here and there…
Well Ryan… you have 3 more lives still… what I am saying is “don’t shop all in one store!”
I love you and don’t drink too much where you get alcohol poisoning or I am going to have to dock you 1 life…
Have a good Birthday Bro! kisses and hugs… Love your Sister Sarah…
Saturday, January 31, 2009
The Pulmonary Test…and Cane
I went to my pulmonary test yesterday with my mom… The women that I see every time I go for this test is 27… we have gotten use to each other… to the point where she can tell me that I did ‘crappy” on my test… she also told me that the puffer has no affect on me… we did three test without the puffer and then three test with the puffer… she was also concerned on my hart rate… since it was back and forth at 84-85… she said that isn’t right… she said for my age group it should be at 96-100… she seen my nails and told me that my nails are showing very little oxygen is going through my body…
I was getting use to my cane yesterday as well… I got to the point where I was able to clean a little of the apartment… with one hand mind you … but I was still able to do it… I have gotten to the point as well to say “Fuck you” to my condition… and refuse to be bed ridden… I want to help out as much as possible for Donavan … it’s not fair for him to be having to do all of the cleaning by himself…
I had totally forgot to go see my dumb Dr. yesterday for the appointment for Dr. Bard… and no they still haven’t called to tell me when my appointment is… MF’S!
OMG! Guess what!? I actually had a hunger pain last night at around 8 pm… Donavan made me some bun pizza… unfortunately I was full after 4 bites… but I was determined to at least eat one of the buns… I was disappointed in my body… it’s like it’s playing games with me… stupid body!
Speaking of stupid body… every night this past week I have asked Donavan to lop off my legs… he of course will not… lol… its just the pain is sooo horrific… and by 10 pm they are numb as well as my arms… I feel heavy and feel like I can’t lift them… so I get frustrated…
I was getting use to my cane yesterday as well… I got to the point where I was able to clean a little of the apartment… with one hand mind you … but I was still able to do it… I have gotten to the point as well to say “Fuck you” to my condition… and refuse to be bed ridden… I want to help out as much as possible for Donavan … it’s not fair for him to be having to do all of the cleaning by himself…
I had totally forgot to go see my dumb Dr. yesterday for the appointment for Dr. Bard… and no they still haven’t called to tell me when my appointment is… MF’S!
OMG! Guess what!? I actually had a hunger pain last night at around 8 pm… Donavan made me some bun pizza… unfortunately I was full after 4 bites… but I was determined to at least eat one of the buns… I was disappointed in my body… it’s like it’s playing games with me… stupid body!
Speaking of stupid body… every night this past week I have asked Donavan to lop off my legs… he of course will not… lol… its just the pain is sooo horrific… and by 10 pm they are numb as well as my arms… I feel heavy and feel like I can’t lift them… so I get frustrated…
Friday, January 30, 2009
Back to square one.
I went to the funeral home tour… I had problems with my legs… I should have brought my cane… but NOOOOO I was bull headed and didn’t… my teacher had grabbed me before I had fallen… I sat where ever I could find a chair… when I took just one glance at the coffins I left… because I started to cry… I had a smoke outside…
I thought that the prep room would have been more elaborate but it was a simple room… I wanted to see it… I was expecting it to be more “scarier”… but it wasn’t… for a min. there I was thinking of changing my profession… until I heard how much I had to know and how hard the course was… the guy said they put two years of knowledge into one year because it helps weed out the people that would be able to actually do the job under stress… also little fact be known… suicidal rate is the highest in funeral directors then even police and fire department… nope! Not for me!
I was talking to my mom on the phone last night… she said maybe I have a strain of MS… that actually scared me more then cancer… go figure… I think because of Donavan’s mom had MS… and I don’t want to be a reminder for him… I don’t want Stephen to go through what Donavan had gone through in his childhood… Donavan’s mom died of MS… Donavan said that people usually don’t die from it… he said that she lost her will to live…that she willed death… I know that can happen… many people do it usually when they have an illness and or when they are old and their loved ones such as other half had passed away… there are many cases of this happening…
I looked up MS and there are TONS of signs and symptoms of MS… the only true way to find out if you have MS is getting a spinal tap and an MRI… blood work doesn’t matter for this illness… a lot of my signs and symptoms coincides with MS… but I haven’t found anything linking to bone pain with MS… another hunt for my condition… square one all over again… it’s not the knowing what you have… it’s the waiting… that is nerve wrecking…
My mom is taking me to my pulmonary test… it’s a test for your breathing… I have done this test 3 times already… this will be my forth in the past 3 years… how many of these fucking tests do I need to do? This test is the most annoying test I have ever come across… what’s the real point of this test? We all know I have a hard time breathing… what you don’t believe me? It’s like almost a lie detector for breathing problems… so stupid if you ask me… but hey what do I know? … It’s not like it’s my chest that’s having problems… (That’s being sarcastic by the way…lol..)
I am just so frustrated and I am feeling like I am lashing out at everyone… I don’t mean too… I know you guys are trying to help me as much as possible… I am sorry if I do.
You know what is pissing me off? Is that my dr. hasn’t called me to tell me when my Dr. Appointment is with this other Dr… yeah nice “aggressive testing” Dr. Johnston! All he did was did blood work and another chest x-ray… and a pulmonary test… which I have done all three a million times… for this situation… I guess aggressive means ship me off to another Dr… then not give me a date to go see him… my mom and I are going to my Dr. and demanding a time and date to see this Dr… or I will be going to the emerge and finding out what is wrong with me there…
My teacher Brenda talked to Camellia from the hospice in Brantford… who I guess is the head person there… said that if I don’t get to see this new Dr. Bard with in a week then I should be going to the emerge for at least pain medication… and they would do tests to find out what I have and or what is going on with my body… because the big issue is the whole no appetite and my legs… not to mention my breathing problem…
My teacher as well told me to take my stubbornness and turn it into pushiness with the dr.’s she said it is unacceptable for the Dr.’s to make me wait for this long and no pain medication…
I thought that the prep room would have been more elaborate but it was a simple room… I wanted to see it… I was expecting it to be more “scarier”… but it wasn’t… for a min. there I was thinking of changing my profession… until I heard how much I had to know and how hard the course was… the guy said they put two years of knowledge into one year because it helps weed out the people that would be able to actually do the job under stress… also little fact be known… suicidal rate is the highest in funeral directors then even police and fire department… nope! Not for me!
I was talking to my mom on the phone last night… she said maybe I have a strain of MS… that actually scared me more then cancer… go figure… I think because of Donavan’s mom had MS… and I don’t want to be a reminder for him… I don’t want Stephen to go through what Donavan had gone through in his childhood… Donavan’s mom died of MS… Donavan said that people usually don’t die from it… he said that she lost her will to live…that she willed death… I know that can happen… many people do it usually when they have an illness and or when they are old and their loved ones such as other half had passed away… there are many cases of this happening…
I looked up MS and there are TONS of signs and symptoms of MS… the only true way to find out if you have MS is getting a spinal tap and an MRI… blood work doesn’t matter for this illness… a lot of my signs and symptoms coincides with MS… but I haven’t found anything linking to bone pain with MS… another hunt for my condition… square one all over again… it’s not the knowing what you have… it’s the waiting… that is nerve wrecking…
My mom is taking me to my pulmonary test… it’s a test for your breathing… I have done this test 3 times already… this will be my forth in the past 3 years… how many of these fucking tests do I need to do? This test is the most annoying test I have ever come across… what’s the real point of this test? We all know I have a hard time breathing… what you don’t believe me? It’s like almost a lie detector for breathing problems… so stupid if you ask me… but hey what do I know? … It’s not like it’s my chest that’s having problems… (That’s being sarcastic by the way…lol..)
I am just so frustrated and I am feeling like I am lashing out at everyone… I don’t mean too… I know you guys are trying to help me as much as possible… I am sorry if I do.
You know what is pissing me off? Is that my dr. hasn’t called me to tell me when my Dr. Appointment is with this other Dr… yeah nice “aggressive testing” Dr. Johnston! All he did was did blood work and another chest x-ray… and a pulmonary test… which I have done all three a million times… for this situation… I guess aggressive means ship me off to another Dr… then not give me a date to go see him… my mom and I are going to my Dr. and demanding a time and date to see this Dr… or I will be going to the emerge and finding out what is wrong with me there…
My teacher Brenda talked to Camellia from the hospice in Brantford… who I guess is the head person there… said that if I don’t get to see this new Dr. Bard with in a week then I should be going to the emerge for at least pain medication… and they would do tests to find out what I have and or what is going on with my body… because the big issue is the whole no appetite and my legs… not to mention my breathing problem…
My teacher as well told me to take my stubbornness and turn it into pushiness with the dr.’s she said it is unacceptable for the Dr.’s to make me wait for this long and no pain medication…
Thursday, January 29, 2009
What’s going on?
I want to know what is going on with me…
I want the answers… but I guess I am going to have to learn … patients…
I have the cane… but I am of course worried on what I am going to be looking like… an old lady… I am only 25 years of age…
I have noticed that my bones in my legs hurt more at night… it feels like it’s a gradual hurt through out the day… so when its time to sleep out the night… my legs by then are throbbing…
I tried eating yesterday… didn’t really work… I threw up anything that I eat … I can hold liquids down though… thank god…
My dr. told me not to take “Stress” for an answer when I go see this other Dr. I wonder if this Dr. always says stress when he doesn’t know what it is…
I don’t want to go to the funeral home tour today with my class… but I will… when we get to the coffin part…I am stepping out to have a smoke…I refuse to see another baby coffin!
I want the answers… but I guess I am going to have to learn … patients…
I have the cane… but I am of course worried on what I am going to be looking like… an old lady… I am only 25 years of age…
I have noticed that my bones in my legs hurt more at night… it feels like it’s a gradual hurt through out the day… so when its time to sleep out the night… my legs by then are throbbing…
I tried eating yesterday… didn’t really work… I threw up anything that I eat … I can hold liquids down though… thank god…
My dr. told me not to take “Stress” for an answer when I go see this other Dr. I wonder if this Dr. always says stress when he doesn’t know what it is…
I don’t want to go to the funeral home tour today with my class… but I will… when we get to the coffin part…I am stepping out to have a smoke…I refuse to see another baby coffin!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
God Dame Dumb Dr.!
My fucking dr. is an ass! To say the least… he doesn’t know what is going on with me… he said my blood test and x-ray came back clean… which is good in a sense since then we can rule out the cancer… but my signs and symptoms makes him go “hmmm”… I went there today to get some pain medication… because my fucking legs and pelvic is killing me! he didn’t give me any… told him about my legs not working properly… he said to use a cane when I need to… then he said that he doesn’t understand what is going on with me and that he is getting me to see another Dr. that specialises in something… I don’t fucking know… it was those words that Dr. House (the TV series) is… any ways I am waiting for my Dr.’s secretary to tell me when I will be seeing this Dr… I guess his name is Dr. Bard… how come that sounds familiar and why is it leaving a nasty taste in my mouth?
MOTHER FUCKER! I am soooo angry right now because in a nut shell my Dr. is wiping his hands clean and didn’t do anything for me…
Now me and my family still has to be in this little epidemic and is not sure on what is going on with me… what about school? Is it going to be a waste of time and money? What about work then?
My Dr. says because I am 25 I shouldn’t be having these symptoms and signs… WHO CARES! I AM having this problem and get over it and figure it out… God Dame Mother Fucker…
Yes… by the way … this is what a “rant” looks like… I am just so pissed right now… because I am still in the loop of “I don’t know what’s wrong with you.”
I went to my grandfather and asked if I can use one of his canes… he let me pick one out that I liked… thank god it fits properly… now the hard part is using it… I didn’t think it was that hard to use a fucking cane… my grand father was going to give me his “duck” cane… by what he said… the cane opens up into a flask… man that would have been great… just one thing wrong with it… it didn’t fit me… My grandpa is so funny at times… he was also telling me one of my fav. Stories of his life is when he and my grand mother had met… he said he is very lucky that he met her and that he married her…
I am going to try to eat at lunch time today… I don’t care if I get sick… I want my food… my grandma said that I am podgy any ways so the weight lost that I am having isn’t a problem… my grandfather says other wise… he said it’s still not healthy…
MOTHER FUCKER! I am soooo angry right now because in a nut shell my Dr. is wiping his hands clean and didn’t do anything for me…
Now me and my family still has to be in this little epidemic and is not sure on what is going on with me… what about school? Is it going to be a waste of time and money? What about work then?
My Dr. says because I am 25 I shouldn’t be having these symptoms and signs… WHO CARES! I AM having this problem and get over it and figure it out… God Dame Mother Fucker…
Yes… by the way … this is what a “rant” looks like… I am just so pissed right now… because I am still in the loop of “I don’t know what’s wrong with you.”
I went to my grandfather and asked if I can use one of his canes… he let me pick one out that I liked… thank god it fits properly… now the hard part is using it… I didn’t think it was that hard to use a fucking cane… my grand father was going to give me his “duck” cane… by what he said… the cane opens up into a flask… man that would have been great… just one thing wrong with it… it didn’t fit me… My grandpa is so funny at times… he was also telling me one of my fav. Stories of his life is when he and my grand mother had met… he said he is very lucky that he met her and that he married her…
I am going to try to eat at lunch time today… I don’t care if I get sick… I want my food… my grandma said that I am podgy any ways so the weight lost that I am having isn’t a problem… my grandfather says other wise… he said it’s still not healthy…
What lies under these eyes?:
Anger: Because this family has gone through enough!
Frustrated: With my body and with the situation at hand.
Pain: all through my body, not to mention my heart is sinking.
Grieving: over my loved ones… and food.
Anxious: to know what is going on and when?
Sad: for my family to have to go through this.
Fear: of leaving my baby boy… I will not be there in person.
Acceptance: of my fate.
Weak: my body and my soul.
Exhausted: from everything.
Clarity: of living.
Lonely: No one can help, even if they wanted to…
Cold: my body is always cold.
Waiting: for the answer… for the “call”.
Preparing: for the last breath.
Crying: over my family.
Romancing: of what I have done through out my life…
Independence wasting: can barely walk.
Already missing my loved ones
An argument with God.
Frustrated: With my body and with the situation at hand.
Pain: all through my body, not to mention my heart is sinking.
Grieving: over my loved ones… and food.
Anxious: to know what is going on and when?
Sad: for my family to have to go through this.
Fear: of leaving my baby boy… I will not be there in person.
Acceptance: of my fate.
Weak: my body and my soul.
Exhausted: from everything.
Clarity: of living.
Lonely: No one can help, even if they wanted to…
Cold: my body is always cold.
Waiting: for the answer… for the “call”.
Preparing: for the last breath.
Crying: over my family.
Romancing: of what I have done through out my life…
Independence wasting: can barely walk.
Already missing my loved ones
An argument with God.
Enough is Enough!
I am going to go see my dr. today… I had enough of this bull shit! I am in extreme pain in my bones… in my legs, knees, pelvis and tail bone… My muscles can barely hold me up while standing and walking… my right legs likes to jerk more then the left one while I am walking and or standing… I find myself holding on to things while walking… and if I can’t hold on to things… I find my self being prepared to fall and catching the walls once and a while… one of these days I will not be able to have a wall or anything else around me to ketch my fall… I think I need a cane… I am going to talk to my Dr. about pain medication… and a cane…
If he says yes to the cane I am going to my grand father… he has shit loads of canes I can barrow… there is one actually I have always loved since I was a kid… I wonder if he will let me barrow it… it’s going to be weird using a cane… If I do get to use the cane from grandpa then I will take a picture of it and show you why I like it so much… Come to think of it… I am going to start doing some video blogs soon instead of typing… since all this typing makes my arms cramp up and I have to take breaks here and there…
I am also going to talk to him about my purple toenails and fingernails…
I am tired of his theory of “let’s wait and see”… he has done this all through my life… MOTHER FUCKER! This is not going to go away on its own! This is a serious issue you need to fucking do something… yes I guess I am angry… I am just tired of his lack of actions on some patients…
There are times now where I feel major pain at the base of my ribs… feels like my ribs are going to burst or collapse… it scares the shit out of me… because I feel it even while I am driving… I don’t want to die while I am driving… If it was a “perfect world” I would rather die in my own bed with my loved ones gathering and sharing storied with me…smiling until I die… I know… it’s grim… but this condition is making me really think of these types of situations…
I am also going to badger my Dr. about my blood count… and x-rays…
My throat had swollen yesterday and the day before that… but it’s gone down a little this morning. I checked to see if it was tonsillitis… its not…
Of course the roads have to be shitty out today! GRRR… I am still going… I guess this stubbornness is useful after all… lol …
If he says yes to the cane I am going to my grand father… he has shit loads of canes I can barrow… there is one actually I have always loved since I was a kid… I wonder if he will let me barrow it… it’s going to be weird using a cane… If I do get to use the cane from grandpa then I will take a picture of it and show you why I like it so much… Come to think of it… I am going to start doing some video blogs soon instead of typing… since all this typing makes my arms cramp up and I have to take breaks here and there…
I am also going to talk to him about my purple toenails and fingernails…
I am tired of his theory of “let’s wait and see”… he has done this all through my life… MOTHER FUCKER! This is not going to go away on its own! This is a serious issue you need to fucking do something… yes I guess I am angry… I am just tired of his lack of actions on some patients…
There are times now where I feel major pain at the base of my ribs… feels like my ribs are going to burst or collapse… it scares the shit out of me… because I feel it even while I am driving… I don’t want to die while I am driving… If it was a “perfect world” I would rather die in my own bed with my loved ones gathering and sharing storied with me…smiling until I die… I know… it’s grim… but this condition is making me really think of these types of situations…
I am also going to badger my Dr. about my blood count… and x-rays…
My throat had swollen yesterday and the day before that… but it’s gone down a little this morning. I checked to see if it was tonsillitis… its not…
Of course the roads have to be shitty out today! GRRR… I am still going… I guess this stubbornness is useful after all… lol …
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thinking Out load:
I am getting so frustrated! I want to taste many foods… I am not hungry… when I eat … I can only have 4-6 bites of food before I get severely full… you know when you eat too much and it sits in your throat… yeah that’s what it’s like… I hate it! I am grieving over my food right now… pathetic! That’s what I say…
I weigh 165 lbs today… I thought how I was so fat and when I wanted to lose the lbs, it was sooooo god damn difficult…. Now that I am sick, it’s melting off of me… what the FUCK!? Go figure I guess.
I was being bull headed last night… I needed to shave my legs, and I shave standing up in the shower… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do that, since my legs want to give out all the god damn time… but I did it any ways… in the process of doing so I have managed to hurt my left knee… I had gotten a huge Charlie horse in my right leg… but I did it! I know now next time I am going to have to do it while I am in the bath tub sitting down… I just hate it that way!
I am feeling chills all over my body off and on… even when I am wrapped up like a cocoon… yesterday when I was laying down in my cocoon, I felt my left temple twitch, it felt cold for some reason… the sensation I am talking about… it was there for about a min. or so… not too long. I wasn’t scared I was more like intrigued on the sensation… wired, I know…
I want to finish school… the possibility of me finishing school and then having a job… is 100%. The possibility that I will not be able to do it is frustrating me, angering me, making me scared…
I am going to talk to my Dr. about DNR… I know that my family would totally disagree with this… but it’s my choice… and this is what I want… If I collapse because of this, I don’t want to come back… if my soul says otherwise then it will come back… if not… ok…
I am already thinking of my will… and videos and journals/letters to my loved ones…
I know many people in my life says I am a fighter… that I am a person that will never stop fighting… but when you look into yourself and find no more juice of fighting “power”, you accept it and look at what you need to do, to make it more peaceful. You find a way to kiss your love ones goodbye and appreciate them even more… because even though you have no more fight in you… they are still fighting for you…
I need to find a day to go to my moms so I can go into my trunk and read all my diary’s… I am going to be giving them to Stephen… I want to know what’s in them first… although I think even though I don’t appreciate on what I have done in some parts of my life I still wants him to know who his mother was… if you take out the crappy parts… then that’s lying to him… and I will not do that! I remember when I wrote in my diaries I wouldn’t finish the last pages in them… because to me that symbolized my life wasn’t finished… When I write in my last diary I will still not write in the last pages… because my life isn’t finished, not when Stephen is here to carry part of me with him… I will never be finished…
I weigh 165 lbs today… I thought how I was so fat and when I wanted to lose the lbs, it was sooooo god damn difficult…. Now that I am sick, it’s melting off of me… what the FUCK!? Go figure I guess.
I was being bull headed last night… I needed to shave my legs, and I shave standing up in the shower… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do that, since my legs want to give out all the god damn time… but I did it any ways… in the process of doing so I have managed to hurt my left knee… I had gotten a huge Charlie horse in my right leg… but I did it! I know now next time I am going to have to do it while I am in the bath tub sitting down… I just hate it that way!
I am feeling chills all over my body off and on… even when I am wrapped up like a cocoon… yesterday when I was laying down in my cocoon, I felt my left temple twitch, it felt cold for some reason… the sensation I am talking about… it was there for about a min. or so… not too long. I wasn’t scared I was more like intrigued on the sensation… wired, I know…
I want to finish school… the possibility of me finishing school and then having a job… is 100%. The possibility that I will not be able to do it is frustrating me, angering me, making me scared…
I am going to talk to my Dr. about DNR… I know that my family would totally disagree with this… but it’s my choice… and this is what I want… If I collapse because of this, I don’t want to come back… if my soul says otherwise then it will come back… if not… ok…
I am already thinking of my will… and videos and journals/letters to my loved ones…
I know many people in my life says I am a fighter… that I am a person that will never stop fighting… but when you look into yourself and find no more juice of fighting “power”, you accept it and look at what you need to do, to make it more peaceful. You find a way to kiss your love ones goodbye and appreciate them even more… because even though you have no more fight in you… they are still fighting for you…
I need to find a day to go to my moms so I can go into my trunk and read all my diary’s… I am going to be giving them to Stephen… I want to know what’s in them first… although I think even though I don’t appreciate on what I have done in some parts of my life I still wants him to know who his mother was… if you take out the crappy parts… then that’s lying to him… and I will not do that! I remember when I wrote in my diaries I wouldn’t finish the last pages in them… because to me that symbolized my life wasn’t finished… When I write in my last diary I will still not write in the last pages… because my life isn’t finished, not when Stephen is here to carry part of me with him… I will never be finished…
Monday, January 26, 2009
Here is an update on my signs and symptoms…. I have some new ones…
1.Cough has gotten worse/ shortness of breath… bouts of trying to ketch my breath.
2.The rattle/wheezing has gotten worse
3.There is a constant pressure around the chest, like elastic that has tightened.
4.There is many times through out the day sharp pains in back and front of chest that also travels to my neck at times and along my back of the shoulders. On occasion at the lower back. There is also a persistent dull pain in my back.
5.I am weak most of the day, my arms don’t feel all up to par moving, along with my legs, they want to buckle a lot lately. I am shaky. Along with some confusion at times.
6.Lost a lot of my appetite, don’t feel very hungry.
7.Lost some muscle mass in bottom left lip… soft and pliable, can feel the difference with tong, and or biting it.
8.Muscles cramps up for no reasons. Also my muscles twitch a lot… legs, and buttocks.
9.Tired still when 2 – 3 pm comes along… (exhausted)
10.Puffy hands and face even when I am cold.- comes and goes.
11.My joints such as elbows and knees are hurting off and on for no reasons. My hip and tail bone is in extreme pain. Feel’s like an extreme case of growing pains in my legs and arms.
12.I am forgetting simple words… example: I wanted to word boot, but I said pants, shirt, scarf… I said to Donavan, “what the hell is that word for going on your foot?” “Boot?”
13.Saturday (Jan 17) I weighed 181 LBS--- Wednesday (Jan 21) I way 171 LBS.
14.In my lower legs and arms I feel like I have growing pains, off and on.
15.Heart pumps sometimes fast… while resting as well.
16.Little black outs… need to hold on to something before I fall.
17.A lot of headaches.
18.Mucus- white, cloudy ball like, has dark spots in them.
19.Smoking still- but less (half a pack)… getting better at quitting… obviously not good enough.
20.puffer doesn’t help any… also makes me sick… stopped taking it.
21.While walking, legs jerky. Need to focus more on walking right. Started Jan. 23 2009
2.The rattle/wheezing has gotten worse
3.There is a constant pressure around the chest, like elastic that has tightened.
4.There is many times through out the day sharp pains in back and front of chest that also travels to my neck at times and along my back of the shoulders. On occasion at the lower back. There is also a persistent dull pain in my back.
5.I am weak most of the day, my arms don’t feel all up to par moving, along with my legs, they want to buckle a lot lately. I am shaky. Along with some confusion at times.
6.Lost a lot of my appetite, don’t feel very hungry.
7.Lost some muscle mass in bottom left lip… soft and pliable, can feel the difference with tong, and or biting it.
8.Muscles cramps up for no reasons. Also my muscles twitch a lot… legs, and buttocks.
9.Tired still when 2 – 3 pm comes along… (exhausted)
10.Puffy hands and face even when I am cold.- comes and goes.
11.My joints such as elbows and knees are hurting off and on for no reasons. My hip and tail bone is in extreme pain. Feel’s like an extreme case of growing pains in my legs and arms.
12.I am forgetting simple words… example: I wanted to word boot, but I said pants, shirt, scarf… I said to Donavan, “what the hell is that word for going on your foot?” “Boot?”
13.Saturday (Jan 17) I weighed 181 LBS--- Wednesday (Jan 21) I way 171 LBS.
14.In my lower legs and arms I feel like I have growing pains, off and on.
15.Heart pumps sometimes fast… while resting as well.
16.Little black outs… need to hold on to something before I fall.
17.A lot of headaches.
18.Mucus- white, cloudy ball like, has dark spots in them.
19.Smoking still- but less (half a pack)… getting better at quitting… obviously not good enough.
20.puffer doesn’t help any… also makes me sick… stopped taking it.
21.While walking, legs jerky. Need to focus more on walking right. Started Jan. 23 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Some New Signs and Symptoms:
I have been having pain in my bones off and on… however now it is constant.
The pain started only in my hip… I thought I had pinched something… it was there for 2 days… then it went away… then it started back up in my arms and legs along with my knees and my elbows… these would come and go as well… well now the pain is more intense and is in my pelvis and the tail bone, along with my elbows, knees, legs and arms… It’s a BITCH to say the least! This by the way is a HUGE sign that the cancer is in the bones… it has spread… this is common for small cell lung cancer.
I thought the pain in my back and chest was bad… I rather have that any day than have to deal with this numbing aching pain in my bones any day of the month!
I was in the shower yesterday… I love my showers steaming hot… I was warm and I noticed my fingernails were purple… I called in Donavan, asked if I was seeing wrong… He told me they were purple… I told him that’s not right! They are only purple on me when I am chilled to the bone… obviously I wasn’t… Today they are still purple… I looked it up on the internet and it stated its common in lung cancer victims… lack of oxygen in the blood… once the cancer reaches the bones, the haemoglobin (which is the oxygen in the blood) isn’t produced enough and or the cancer is taking the place of the haemoglobin. This is also called Anaemia…
I slept most of the day yesterday… I was just exhausted… I hated it! Today I am still exhausted… the ache in the bones refuse to leave… the headaches refuse to leave as well… I guess I am just going to have to grow to accustom to this pain…
Donavan is constantly looking for any other reasons behind my condition… he’s getting frustrated because he can’t find it… not unless he actually looks up lung cancer… in which he is trying to avoid… I don’t know what to do for him… I want to calm him down… I have always told him when ever something has come up in our lives that it will be ok… I have always been right… that’s because I have listened to my inner self… now when he asks… I can’t tell him it’s going to be ok… because my inner self tells me other wise… I keep thinking maybe I will tell him it will be ok… that life will go on… with out me… that it self is not a lie… but that is what I am good at… playing semantics… that’s what Donavan says… I have noticed that in fact, especially with my teacher… it’s a habit I picked up on the way of living…I actually like doing it… it gets my brain going…
The pain started only in my hip… I thought I had pinched something… it was there for 2 days… then it went away… then it started back up in my arms and legs along with my knees and my elbows… these would come and go as well… well now the pain is more intense and is in my pelvis and the tail bone, along with my elbows, knees, legs and arms… It’s a BITCH to say the least! This by the way is a HUGE sign that the cancer is in the bones… it has spread… this is common for small cell lung cancer.
I thought the pain in my back and chest was bad… I rather have that any day than have to deal with this numbing aching pain in my bones any day of the month!
I was in the shower yesterday… I love my showers steaming hot… I was warm and I noticed my fingernails were purple… I called in Donavan, asked if I was seeing wrong… He told me they were purple… I told him that’s not right! They are only purple on me when I am chilled to the bone… obviously I wasn’t… Today they are still purple… I looked it up on the internet and it stated its common in lung cancer victims… lack of oxygen in the blood… once the cancer reaches the bones, the haemoglobin (which is the oxygen in the blood) isn’t produced enough and or the cancer is taking the place of the haemoglobin. This is also called Anaemia…
I slept most of the day yesterday… I was just exhausted… I hated it! Today I am still exhausted… the ache in the bones refuse to leave… the headaches refuse to leave as well… I guess I am just going to have to grow to accustom to this pain…
Donavan is constantly looking for any other reasons behind my condition… he’s getting frustrated because he can’t find it… not unless he actually looks up lung cancer… in which he is trying to avoid… I don’t know what to do for him… I want to calm him down… I have always told him when ever something has come up in our lives that it will be ok… I have always been right… that’s because I have listened to my inner self… now when he asks… I can’t tell him it’s going to be ok… because my inner self tells me other wise… I keep thinking maybe I will tell him it will be ok… that life will go on… with out me… that it self is not a lie… but that is what I am good at… playing semantics… that’s what Donavan says… I have noticed that in fact, especially with my teacher… it’s a habit I picked up on the way of living…I actually like doing it… it gets my brain going…
Friday, January 23, 2009
School?
Here I am at school… I am done my assignment that we are to do… So I am writing to you all… I am wondering to myself… why am I here? Why am I at school, when I should be home with my family… if I don’t have very much longer to live… then why?
I asked the head person here that works with the money… asked if I can get my money back to give back to my grandmother… since I will not be here on earth with in a year… knock on wood maybe two years…She said no… I was pretty upset… She said not to lose hope and not to stop fighting… it’s just that I think I am done fighting… I have fought all my life with other things and now that something HUGE is here I have no more fight…
I asked the head person here that works with the money… asked if I can get my money back to give back to my grandmother… since I will not be here on earth with in a year… knock on wood maybe two years…She said no… I was pretty upset… She said not to lose hope and not to stop fighting… it’s just that I think I am done fighting… I have fought all my life with other things and now that something HUGE is here I have no more fight…
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Awakening?
When I woke up today my sight was different… nothing too alarming to any medical authority…
I’ve had these days before, where my sight is not normal. Where everything I see is not a dull color but bright. I have a smile, a smile that say’s I know something and yet I am not too sure on what… like my soul is playing a game with my body. The touch of my skin is slow and methodical; like I am touching my skin for the first time.
The song “Don’t Fear The Reaper” . by: HIM… plays repeatedly in my head.
The feeling of needing to be some where’s that I have never been before, but know it like it was home… is catching up to me. I want to cry, not because I am scared, because I feel how beautiful it is. My soul is singing, and dancing inside… Don’t want to lock me up inside.
I know.
I want to paint the feeling… but can’t figure the vision of to put on the canvas. I will do it… if it kills me. I want you to know what I am feeling right now. I want to share this.
I know what love is.
I know what it feels to lose
I know what it is to live
I know pain
I know what losing your mind is
I know the meaning of merciful
I know the meaning of one’s own choice
I know the meaning of Will
I know true happiness
I know fear
I know how to laugh
I know … and now I know what I wanted to know.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
A shift:
Lately I have been getting into the meaning of life.
I have found myself questioning everything that comes my way.
Every time I question it, I come to enlightenment.
Another thing that has becoming a little “spooky” is patterns and or signs.
For an example, I was hearing on the radio about a football team the Stealers. I didn’t really care for it so I changed the station. A few min. later I had totally forgot of the station and what they were talking about, until a Truck darted in front of me and made me slammed on my breaks… on the back of his window was a big sticker saying Stealers, with their logo… it was the football team. Another one was when I was studying my text book yesterday and my father in law was talking to Donavan… the only thing I heard was “Shoulder blade” … at that time I was looking at the word “shoulder blade.”
There are other little ones, but I know you get the gist of it.
Once I have figured out that everyone has their own way of living, it has become easier to accept each person faults, and view points on anything.
I have found that if something angers me or gets my blood boiling, it’s because it’s a strong “meaning” or value or moral that I have acquired; that they have stepped over.
My choices are to get angry… or take it as it is and leave it alone… or step up and say something in a polite tone, so I am not bracketed. Everyone has a choice on how to react to a situation, a moment, a quote… etc.
I have found myself questioning everything that comes my way.
Every time I question it, I come to enlightenment.
Another thing that has becoming a little “spooky” is patterns and or signs.
For an example, I was hearing on the radio about a football team the Stealers. I didn’t really care for it so I changed the station. A few min. later I had totally forgot of the station and what they were talking about, until a Truck darted in front of me and made me slammed on my breaks… on the back of his window was a big sticker saying Stealers, with their logo… it was the football team. Another one was when I was studying my text book yesterday and my father in law was talking to Donavan… the only thing I heard was “Shoulder blade” … at that time I was looking at the word “shoulder blade.”
There are other little ones, but I know you get the gist of it.
Once I have figured out that everyone has their own way of living, it has become easier to accept each person faults, and view points on anything.
I have found that if something angers me or gets my blood boiling, it’s because it’s a strong “meaning” or value or moral that I have acquired; that they have stepped over.
My choices are to get angry… or take it as it is and leave it alone… or step up and say something in a polite tone, so I am not bracketed. Everyone has a choice on how to react to a situation, a moment, a quote… etc.
The mindset:
I heard a friend say “I took one step forward and two steps back”.
When I heard that I knew she hasn’t been listening; to any of her self teachings.
I said to her… “Any steps back is purely a mind set, take the steps away, what do you have? No wheres? Or the place you are supposed to be?”
Another quote I heard from someone very special to me was in a nut shell… “My life is complete when I hear my children’s voice, or see their faces.”
This quote in a nut shell got me thinking more about “the completion of life.”
I personally thought of life in general, no matter how old you are 1yrs of age to 100 yrs of age, there will always be something to learn in each day of living… however, this is also my own mindset. One’s own life and mindset is different then the next. Therefore one’s own completion of life is different then the next.
The mindset is all in how you perceive the way of living.
When I heard that I knew she hasn’t been listening; to any of her self teachings.
I said to her… “Any steps back is purely a mind set, take the steps away, what do you have? No wheres? Or the place you are supposed to be?”
Another quote I heard from someone very special to me was in a nut shell… “My life is complete when I hear my children’s voice, or see their faces.”
This quote in a nut shell got me thinking more about “the completion of life.”
I personally thought of life in general, no matter how old you are 1yrs of age to 100 yrs of age, there will always be something to learn in each day of living… however, this is also my own mindset. One’s own life and mindset is different then the next. Therefore one’s own completion of life is different then the next.
The mindset is all in how you perceive the way of living.
Good god! What Next?
I got a phone call… from my Dr. telling me that he was looking over my X-rays … (I don’t know why he would personally, because he has already done that and told me what he thought) anyways… he said in his calm tone that he wants me to come in so we can talk about my x-rays… I told him that he already looked over them… he said he knows, and he wants me to come in… I said ok can you not tell me over the phone since you got me… he said no he would rather I am in his office when he talks to me… I said ok, when?... He said the sooner the better, he said he can use one of his emergency appointments on Jan.22nd. … I said ok…
Know what you need to know is that he told me that it was Emphysema… I have been having this cough since 2005, early 2006… it has gotten worse since my x-ray… it always gets worse it seems…
Anyways, what I have noticed over a short period of time is:
1. Cough has gotten worse/ shortness of breath,
2. The rattle/wheezing has gotten worse
3. There is a constant pressure around the chest
4. There is many times through out the day sharp pains in back and front for chest that also travels to my neck at times and along my back of the shoulders. On occasion at the lower back.
5. I am weak most of the day, my arms don’t feel all up to par moving, along with my legs, they want to buckle a lot lately. I am shaky. Along with some confusion at times.
6. Lost a lot of my appetite, don’t feel very hungry.
7. Lost some muscle mass in bottom left lip… soft and pliable
8. Muscles cramps up for no reasons.
9. Tired still when 2 – 3 pm comes along… (exhausted)
10. Puffy hands and face even when I am cold.
When I looked these symptoms up, it points to lung cancer… you don’t start coughing up blood until the 4th stage of lung cancer… I have not done this.
When I was young I knew how I was going to die… I know, I know, no one knows how they are going to die… you see it’s just that I knew, I was going to die of suffocation of an illness… so when Dr. J told me that I had Emphysema I just knew it started… the same feeling was when I was pregnant with my youngest son… I knew something bad was going to happen… I thought it would be the end of Derek at birth… the birth was difficult yes, however… Derek got to live for 2 months and 3 days till he passed away from SIDS… I don’t want to be right… when I look up all these symptoms and signs, I am looking for another answer, I am looking to be wrong!… but the fucking “lung cancer” keeps popping up!
I don’t want to die! I want to be with my family. I want to grow old with Donavan; I want to see Stephen become a man. I want to see so many things happen for our family!
Haven’t this family gone through enough! If there is a God I believe he has it out for this family! What did we do so wrong in our last life to deserve these punishments?
Through out these last months I have finally come to the conclusion of how to live. “To be”… to live in the now, to not worry about the future too often. To not look into the past and figure out how to change it… we all know that “yesterday” has already been written.
I wish I could talk to Donavan more about this, but the problem is that I fear that I am putting too much stress on him…
I should assume that he can handle the stress.
I just need a sound board. I love him and I think he needs to know on what is going on in my health… He has even noticed the huge change in my health… I thought I was hiding it well… I guess not.
Know what you need to know is that he told me that it was Emphysema… I have been having this cough since 2005, early 2006… it has gotten worse since my x-ray… it always gets worse it seems…
Anyways, what I have noticed over a short period of time is:
1. Cough has gotten worse/ shortness of breath,
2. The rattle/wheezing has gotten worse
3. There is a constant pressure around the chest
4. There is many times through out the day sharp pains in back and front for chest that also travels to my neck at times and along my back of the shoulders. On occasion at the lower back.
5. I am weak most of the day, my arms don’t feel all up to par moving, along with my legs, they want to buckle a lot lately. I am shaky. Along with some confusion at times.
6. Lost a lot of my appetite, don’t feel very hungry.
7. Lost some muscle mass in bottom left lip… soft and pliable
8. Muscles cramps up for no reasons.
9. Tired still when 2 – 3 pm comes along… (exhausted)
10. Puffy hands and face even when I am cold.
When I looked these symptoms up, it points to lung cancer… you don’t start coughing up blood until the 4th stage of lung cancer… I have not done this.
When I was young I knew how I was going to die… I know, I know, no one knows how they are going to die… you see it’s just that I knew, I was going to die of suffocation of an illness… so when Dr. J told me that I had Emphysema I just knew it started… the same feeling was when I was pregnant with my youngest son… I knew something bad was going to happen… I thought it would be the end of Derek at birth… the birth was difficult yes, however… Derek got to live for 2 months and 3 days till he passed away from SIDS… I don’t want to be right… when I look up all these symptoms and signs, I am looking for another answer, I am looking to be wrong!… but the fucking “lung cancer” keeps popping up!
I don’t want to die! I want to be with my family. I want to grow old with Donavan; I want to see Stephen become a man. I want to see so many things happen for our family!
Haven’t this family gone through enough! If there is a God I believe he has it out for this family! What did we do so wrong in our last life to deserve these punishments?
Through out these last months I have finally come to the conclusion of how to live. “To be”… to live in the now, to not worry about the future too often. To not look into the past and figure out how to change it… we all know that “yesterday” has already been written.
I wish I could talk to Donavan more about this, but the problem is that I fear that I am putting too much stress on him…
I should assume that he can handle the stress.
I just need a sound board. I love him and I think he needs to know on what is going on in my health… He has even noticed the huge change in my health… I thought I was hiding it well… I guess not.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Reasoning of living:
Many people are looking for the reason of why we are here on earth…
I wonder the same things at time… but then when I come across a cross road the feeling is lifted… the dawning conclusion sets in… I was told by someone the reason… But I didn’t listen back then. I was rebellious and refused anything that came across to me as ‘real” I needed to find out for my self.
The words “to be”… are not just 2 little words… It’s a way of living.
I stopped living in the past… which is not an easy thing to do… especially if you are a person to dwell on the past, along with the future.
I stopped worrying about the future… where is it going to get you? If you stool about the future then walk out one day, and get hit by a bus that kills you, why did you worry about the future then? You lost the time to live and the time to gain some knowledge. All you need is the now…
Yes, think of a plan to make sure that when ‘tomorrow’ comes, you are set to live in the now… it’s a fine line I believe… If you dwell on the future then nothing really is happening. You dwell on the past… why? Its done you can’t stop the past… it’s already been written…
Enjoy each breath you take, enjoy each smile you make and see, enjoy the company good or bad… make an adventure each day… even if its just going for a walk… you never know what you might find during that walk…
The words “to Be” IS the reasoning of living…
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Not to save her, but to show her:
Last night I was playing in a game chat room at dotblue.com , I was playing my fav. Game … snake… I seen on the chat that someone loved emos and instead of hippies… I said that emos suck if they cut themselves… I said I wished my lawn was an emo so it would cut itself… lol… anyways getting off topic…
The person responded back, saying “are you saying I suck?”
I said: “only if you cut your self. There is no real reason to do such a thing”
She said: “My mother is dying from cancer so back the fuck off.”
I said: “ I am slowly dying from Emphysema, my son passed away in my arms, I have been where you are, wanting to cut, wanting to die, there is a way out, but it takes the balls to want out and do something about it… cutting yourself is not the answer, grieving over your mother before she is dead is not the answer…living each moment with your mother is the least you can do for her.”
We had some words… then we both calmed down, knowing both of us were hurting… one in the process and one living from the process…
I told her that I am hear for her if she needs to talk, I will listen… I will not say “I know how you feel.” I also told her that I will say that I have been in the same mind frame as her… she agreed… low and behold she requested us to be friends… I accepted her.
Went to her profile and seen she was only 13 years of age… poor little one just needs an outlet of frustration, of confusion, of anger… of many things…. I know I am not going to save her … my plans are not to save, my plans are to let her know that she is not alone and that there IS someone out there that will listen to her self turmoil…
I want to let her know that life will become to the point where you are in your own hell, not being able to breath, thinking everyone isn’t caring… feeling self pity, among other feelings that gets you more into your own hell. I want her to grasp the idea of the words “to live”, “to be”… as did I… not until then was I truly living…
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
YES!
That “yes” theory… I wonder if you say yes too many things that you say “no” to; are you going to be coming out of your “comfort Zone”?
Just to make sure that you are saying yes only if you really want to… not because you have to…
Don’t say “no” because it’s convent for you… ask your self why you are saying “no” in the first place…
Try it once in a while, maybe you will be able to open up more and become that person you have always wanted to be; but was too scared to really become that person who so desperately wanted out…
Just to make sure that you are saying yes only if you really want to… not because you have to…
Don’t say “no” because it’s convent for you… ask your self why you are saying “no” in the first place…
Try it once in a while, maybe you will be able to open up more and become that person you have always wanted to be; but was too scared to really become that person who so desperately wanted out…
Emphysema V.S. ME Jan. 2009 13th
Ok so I have been having problems breathing since 2005… finally the dr. decided to do something about it… took an X-ray and a breathing test…
Found out I have the beginning stages of Emphysema… Fuck!!!!!!
The reason I started to smoke was because of my family… they smoked all the time in front of me. I didn’t want to smoke because I wanted to go back to gymnastics and or dancing… however that was just a pipe dream mixed in with denial… ugh! To say the least… any ways… I started smoking when I was 18, I was tired of having my family smoking in front of me and I getting the second hand smoke all the time… told my self if I am going to die because of this smoke I may as well smoke it my self…
Never really thought I was going to get the dame silent killer…
I am trying to find a way to quit smoking… it’s not like I haven’t quite before… both pregnancy’s I stopped… so why is it so hard now to quite?
I don’t want to wreck my sons life because I am too stubborn to quite smoking… how selfish is that?!
The feeling of panic always washes over me when I have no smokes with me… then when I am trying to quit with smokes with me I give in too easy…
Which way do you think is better?
Or is there another solution? I can’t wear the patches… it makes my heart do funny things and I break out in a rash… not to mention my breathing goes all funny as well…
If smoking was illegal… which it will be one day… I bet I would already be in jail… FUCK!!!!
Found out I have the beginning stages of Emphysema… Fuck!!!!!!
The reason I started to smoke was because of my family… they smoked all the time in front of me. I didn’t want to smoke because I wanted to go back to gymnastics and or dancing… however that was just a pipe dream mixed in with denial… ugh! To say the least… any ways… I started smoking when I was 18, I was tired of having my family smoking in front of me and I getting the second hand smoke all the time… told my self if I am going to die because of this smoke I may as well smoke it my self…
Never really thought I was going to get the dame silent killer…
I am trying to find a way to quit smoking… it’s not like I haven’t quite before… both pregnancy’s I stopped… so why is it so hard now to quite?
I don’t want to wreck my sons life because I am too stubborn to quite smoking… how selfish is that?!
The feeling of panic always washes over me when I have no smokes with me… then when I am trying to quit with smokes with me I give in too easy…
Which way do you think is better?
Or is there another solution? I can’t wear the patches… it makes my heart do funny things and I break out in a rash… not to mention my breathing goes all funny as well…
If smoking was illegal… which it will be one day… I bet I would already be in jail… FUCK!!!!
You’re the Bestest…
One morning this week I woke up just a little earlier then Stephen… my son…
We are trying to get him to stop wetting the bed… we are not giving him any liquids after 7PM… not really working out too well mind you… anyways, one morning he said to me… “Mom, I accidentally peed my bed.”
I said: “That’s ok babe, we will try again tomorrow.” I gave him the look of… “We can do it together, it will be ok.” The next thing I knew when I was re-making his bed with clean sheets is two little arms around my waist… with my son saying… “You’re the bestest mom ever!”
Just having that in the back of my head when Stephen starts throwing tantrums helps me get through them and breathe just a little more easier…
We are trying to get him to stop wetting the bed… we are not giving him any liquids after 7PM… not really working out too well mind you… anyways, one morning he said to me… “Mom, I accidentally peed my bed.”
I said: “That’s ok babe, we will try again tomorrow.” I gave him the look of… “We can do it together, it will be ok.” The next thing I knew when I was re-making his bed with clean sheets is two little arms around my waist… with my son saying… “You’re the bestest mom ever!”
Just having that in the back of my head when Stephen starts throwing tantrums helps me get through them and breathe just a little more easier…
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