I am getting so frustrated! I want to taste many foods… I am not hungry… when I eat … I can only have 4-6 bites of food before I get severely full… you know when you eat too much and it sits in your throat… yeah that’s what it’s like… I hate it! I am grieving over my food right now… pathetic! That’s what I say…
I weigh 165 lbs today… I thought how I was so fat and when I wanted to lose the lbs, it was sooooo god damn difficult…. Now that I am sick, it’s melting off of me… what the FUCK!? Go figure I guess.
I was being bull headed last night… I needed to shave my legs, and I shave standing up in the shower… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do that, since my legs want to give out all the god damn time… but I did it any ways… in the process of doing so I have managed to hurt my left knee… I had gotten a huge Charlie horse in my right leg… but I did it! I know now next time I am going to have to do it while I am in the bath tub sitting down… I just hate it that way!
I am feeling chills all over my body off and on… even when I am wrapped up like a cocoon… yesterday when I was laying down in my cocoon, I felt my left temple twitch, it felt cold for some reason… the sensation I am talking about… it was there for about a min. or so… not too long. I wasn’t scared I was more like intrigued on the sensation… wired, I know…
I want to finish school… the possibility of me finishing school and then having a job… is 100%. The possibility that I will not be able to do it is frustrating me, angering me, making me scared…
I am going to talk to my Dr. about DNR… I know that my family would totally disagree with this… but it’s my choice… and this is what I want… If I collapse because of this, I don’t want to come back… if my soul says otherwise then it will come back… if not… ok…
I am already thinking of my will… and videos and journals/letters to my loved ones…
I know many people in my life says I am a fighter… that I am a person that will never stop fighting… but when you look into yourself and find no more juice of fighting “power”, you accept it and look at what you need to do, to make it more peaceful. You find a way to kiss your love ones goodbye and appreciate them even more… because even though you have no more fight in you… they are still fighting for you…
I need to find a day to go to my moms so I can go into my trunk and read all my diary’s… I am going to be giving them to Stephen… I want to know what’s in them first… although I think even though I don’t appreciate on what I have done in some parts of my life I still wants him to know who his mother was… if you take out the crappy parts… then that’s lying to him… and I will not do that! I remember when I wrote in my diaries I wouldn’t finish the last pages in them… because to me that symbolized my life wasn’t finished… When I write in my last diary I will still not write in the last pages… because my life isn’t finished, not when Stephen is here to carry part of me with him… I will never be finished…
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