Good god! What Next?

I got a phone call… from my Dr. telling me that he was looking over my X-rays … (I don’t know why he would personally, because he has already done that and told me what he thought) anyways… he said in his calm tone that he wants me to come in so we can talk about my x-rays… I told him that he already looked over them… he said he knows, and he wants me to come in… I said ok can you not tell me over the phone since you got me… he said no he would rather I am in his office when he talks to me… I said ok, when?... He said the sooner the better, he said he can use one of his emergency appointments on Jan.22nd. … I said ok…

Know what you need to know is that he told me that it was Emphysema… I have been having this cough since 2005, early 2006… it has gotten worse since my x-ray… it always gets worse it seems…

Anyways, what I have noticed over a short period of time is:

1. Cough has gotten worse/ shortness of breath,
2. The rattle/wheezing has gotten worse
3. There is a constant pressure around the chest
4. There is many times through out the day sharp pains in back and front for chest that also travels to my neck at times and along my back of the shoulders. On occasion at the lower back.
5. I am weak most of the day, my arms don’t feel all up to par moving, along with my legs, they want to buckle a lot lately. I am shaky. Along with some confusion at times.
6. Lost a lot of my appetite, don’t feel very hungry.
7. Lost some muscle mass in bottom left lip… soft and pliable
8. Muscles cramps up for no reasons.
9. Tired still when 2 – 3 pm comes along… (exhausted)
10. Puffy hands and face even when I am cold.

When I looked these symptoms up, it points to lung cancer… you don’t start coughing up blood until the 4th stage of lung cancer… I have not done this.

When I was young I knew how I was going to die… I know, I know, no one knows how they are going to die… you see it’s just that I knew, I was going to die of suffocation of an illness… so when Dr. J told me that I had Emphysema I just knew it started… the same feeling was when I was pregnant with my youngest son… I knew something bad was going to happen… I thought it would be the end of Derek at birth… the birth was difficult yes, however… Derek got to live for 2 months and 3 days till he passed away from SIDS… I don’t want to be right… when I look up all these symptoms and signs, I am looking for another answer, I am looking to be wrong!… but the fucking “lung cancer” keeps popping up!

I don’t want to die! I want to be with my family. I want to grow old with Donavan; I want to see Stephen become a man. I want to see so many things happen for our family!
Haven’t this family gone through enough! If there is a God I believe he has it out for this family! What did we do so wrong in our last life to deserve these punishments?

Through out these last months I have finally come to the conclusion of how to live. “To be”… to live in the now, to not worry about the future too often. To not look into the past and figure out how to change it… we all know that “yesterday” has already been written.

I wish I could talk to Donavan more about this, but the problem is that I fear that I am putting too much stress on him…
I should assume that he can handle the stress.
I just need a sound board. I love him and I think he needs to know on what is going on in my health… He has even noticed the huge change in my health… I thought I was hiding it well… I guess not.